Risk Vs. Responsibility: Wrestling with God
When I began my blog I entitled it “FaithinFlipFlops” because I wanted to write about how I daily walk out my faith in Jesus Christ. I wanted to write about the successes and the challenges, the triumphs and the losses. I haven’t been as faithful in my writing as I hoped I would because life always seems to get in the way. And I want to be a person who makes sure I am actually living life, not just writing about it. I also love taking pictures to include in my blogs (and I take a lot) but life is what happens between the snapshots. Living life to the fullest and taking risks is something I value and strive to do. I do not want to waste a minute!
I turned 45 in January. First of all, I love birthdays. And getting older does not bother me at all. In fact, the 40s have been my best decade by far. I have loved every minute of my 40s. Until 45. I can’t explain it. I wasn’t expecting it. And it irritated me. A sadness and tiredness overwhelmed me. I am someone who is always on the go. And it all came to a grinding halt. And it made me question where I was in life.
I have always lived carefree. I never worried about money (not much anyway). I always trusted that God would provide. I have referred to myself as a hippie…I don’t need stuff or much money…and I love to dream. And live unconventionally. After all, my dog’s name is Woodstock…
I remember in Bible college, a pastor came to speak in chapel. I was talking to him afterwards or heard him talking to someone else (I don’t quite remember the exact context) but he said “oh to be young again in ministry and think I can actually change the world.” After I heard that I told the Lord, “May I never get cynical and never stop believing that I can change the world.” And I haven’t. I still believe it. But that belief is hitting the stone cold wall of reality.
I have a dream. A big dream. And to make it come to pass it will require a sacrifice. And a miracle. And here is the question I am wrestling with in my walk with Jesus. When does following a dream and taking a risk become irresponsible?
We have a saying at our church:
We have it on one of the those rubber bracelets.
And I believe it. I believe we are not to play it safe. That we are to take risks to advance the Kingdom of God.
Yet there are bills to pay. Retirement to pay into. Taxes to pay. A house to buy. Health insurance to pay for. And a lot of these things, I’ve let slip because I believed God will provide.
I have since discovered that the tiredness and irritability were due to my thyroid not working right.
But the wrestling with risk taking vs. being responsible is still ongoing. I have followed Jesus long enough to trust Him. But there are times I simply don’t trust myself.
This walk of faith in flip flops is not easy. There are always more questions than answers. And it can be messy.
And messy reminded me of a Scripture in Proverbs 14:4. It says
“Where there are no oxen, the manger is clean, but abundant crops come by the strength of an ox.”
I can have a nice, tidy life…every area clean and safe…but if I want a life that produces fruit and counts for eternity and really makes a difference — there will be messes I need to clean up (sometimes of my own making) — I will get dirty, messy – I need the “ox”(in my case the ox could be my dreams or the Holy Spirit’s leading and maybe they’re synonymous) and the work and faith that comes with it if I want to be fruitful.