Faithinflipflops

Living simply, loving deeply!

Archive for the tag “sin”

Dark Night of the Soul

I know most of the time I come across as positive and that everything is always going well. After all my blog is named “Faith In Flip Flops”! What’s happier than summer and flip flops?  This is not Sunny and Happy Heidi. This is raw. This is real. This is me. I do not know if I will actually publish this or not on my blog. I am transparent but this is even deeply personal for me.

I was up all night crying. I rarely do that. I can count on one hand the times I have done that (the death of my mom, my dad, and my brother are three of them). I cry easily when it comes to things that move and inspire me, but not from pain and anguish. I hate the empty feeling that envelopes me when I am all cried out. So I avoid at all costs.

Last night was triggered by a discovery that is quite personal and not really important to the story. The trigger is just what re-awakened a part of me that has been lying dormant in me for years, the broken part – the part of me that is so full of pain, hurt, anguish, and anger that it makes it difficult to breathe. It is the part of me that drove me to party in high school before I encountered Jesus. It is the part of me that drives me to find comfort in food, spending, and every other self-sabotaging behavior that helps me keep the pain at bay…to keep it from crashing over me like a tsunami.

Last night was a dark night of my soul. It came so suddenly and unexpectedly.

 

All I want to do is withdraw from people and life and lick my wounds.

I have been on this journey to wholeness my whole life. And as God has peeled off layer after layer, He has brought me peace and comfort. But He has never brought me healing.

This past year has been a journey of overcoming self-destructive behavior, especially in regards to food and how I treat my body. The attacks have intensified this summer. Our church is currently in the midst of a month long season of prayer and fasting. My last time of an extended time of prayer and fasting (a complete food fast for 40 days back in 1999) led to one of the most difficult seasons of my life. I haven’t really fasted consistently since. I know what it brings to the surface. And it ain’t pretty.

I feel so broken and helpless. And crazy.

While showering this morning, I had a moment of clarity. This broken part of me cannot be healed. God can comfort and bring insight, but the pain, hurt, and anguish is real and has had a real impact on my life.

Sidenote: I come from a denomination whose theology believes in healing. I believe in healing. It is a gift of the Spirit. But the reality is no one gets out of here alive and no one gets through life unscathed. When God heals it is for His name sake and out of compassion. This me-centered Gospel Western Christianity has embraced is frustrating and does not work in most parts of the world.

Back to the shower…the realization that this part of me cannot be undone, or healed, or erased. It has to be faced. I thought of Jacob from the Bible who wrestled with God. I read the story again this morning.

Jacob’s name means deceiver. He was a deceiver. His whole life he had consistently made poor choices and done some shady things. He betrayed his twin brother Esau. The story finds Jacob having to face his brother in the morning. This is the first time in years encountering him since he betrayed and screwed Esau over (with the help of his mother).

Jacob truly thought his brother could kill him the next day and rightfully so. He sent everyone and everything else ahead and he stayed in camp by himself for the night. And wrestled with God. All night long. Jacob would not give up.  When God saw this (Jacob’s tenacity) and that He could not win (God couldn’t win? What an amazing thought)…He gave up. Scripture says God had to say to Jacob, “Let me go”. Jacob insisted on a blessing before letting God go. Before God blessed him, He asked Jacob “What is your name”. Jacob had to say “Jacob”. Basically, Jacob stood before God, dripping sweat, bloody, hip hurt, scared, and tired and he confessed, “I am a deceiver”. He didn’t hide it from God. He was honest and raw. God changes his name from Jacob to Israel, from deceiver to one who fought with God and man and won. How do you beat God?

But God also marked him. He touched his hip. Jacob had a limp from that day forward. So he would remember. The pain was a reminder that the deceiving part of him died that night…that dark night of his soul.

Everyone knew Jacob’s deceptive ways.

Jacob could have blamed the way he grew up. He grew up in a dysfunctional home. His dad favored his brother, Esau, because he was a hunter and a manly man. His mom favored Jacob and pitted the two against each other. But he didn’t play the blame game. He was a deceiver because he chose to be. And God brought Jacob to the end of himself so he could rename him.

I will always walk with a bit of a limp – with pain and anguish that sometimes gushes out. But I take responsibility for the wrong ways in which I have tried to cover and appease the pain. The sinful ways. The ways that have left me empty and hurt and even more broken.

God has always been in the business of changing names. He changed

  •             Abram to Abraham
  •             Jacob to Israel
  •             Saul to Paul
  •             Simon to Peter (John 1:42)

All had broken, less than stellar pasts.

What would God change my name to? Am I ready to have my name changed?

I don’t know where I go from here but I am completely undone. The pain and hurt still come crashing over me in waves. I have to trust as every wave that is crashing over me, it is cleansing and taking the parts out of me that need to go. Following Jesus isn’t easy, safe, pretty, or graceful.

 

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The waves crashing over the break wall at the mouth of the Vermilion River. Depicts how the waves of pain and anguish feel.

It is actually, at times, heart-wrenching, hard as a hell, and ugly. My ugly cry last night was not for weak of heart. My puffy eyes this morning are not attractive. Nor is my mood.

But it is worth it. I want the tenacity of Jacob or as my friend, Cristi texted me today, I want to be fierce, strong, and brave. I want to wrestle with God and win. Pain will mark that journey. No way around it.

I want to be like Peter and come to the conclusion he did, “Where else would I go? Jesus, you alone have the words of life?”

I may not know where to go but I do know the starting place even as frustrated, angry, and hurt as I am and that is to the foot of the Cross. I take my hurt, my broken pieces, and thoughts there. I find it ironic that I am leading our congregation in communion this Sunday morning.

I feel so ugly and insecure and trying to hide all of that at the same time as trying to fix it myself leads to self-destructive behavior. I want to be free. I want to be enough. I want to be valued. I want to be fought for. (How’s that for real?).

God has brought me full circle. It is 20 years since I graduated from College and went into ministry. For the most part, I have enjoyed every moment. It has been hard and messy but amazing and fruitful at the same time. I would choose it over and over again though it has cost me a lot.

Eighteen years ago, after a dark season, instead of admitting I was broken and wounded, I indulged in self-destructive behavior. I don’t want to do that again.

I have spent most of the day in the sanctuary of our church, setting up for Sunday, preparing for communion, and writing. I am reminded how much I need a tribe of people around me. I am thankful for Pastor Jim and my friend Cristi who have allowed me to be incredibly raw and real. I haven’t been fired yet. And especially Cristi, who gets my inappropriate way of talking about things. I am an open person but in my life, I have never experienced a friendship in which I can confess my sins, fears, and insecurities and not feel judged. Or have it used against me. That is what James was talking about in Scripture when he admonished us to confess our sins one to another so we can be healed. I am also thankful for another unexpected friend that has helped me through this season in ways in which they have no idea. Their impact has been immeasurable. I hope I can someday repay the favor.

Texting Pastor Jim I eventually said this, “God is good but He is definitely not safe”.  (From a quote from my favorite book by C.S. Lewis). He responded “No He is not safe and we are not either. I wore a T-shirt yesterday that said “Pursue peace – Prepare for war” words to live by”. He went on to say, “You are that kind of dangerous also. Don’t be surprised or over reflective of your weakness. Rely on your strength…it is what makes you dangerous”

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I now understand why King David wrote so many Psalms. He wrote himself off the ledge. I write myself off the ledge. Even in the midst of this, God is good and He is worth it all. And I am grateful He allowed waterproof mascara and foundation to be invented.

What Makes Good Friday So Good?

Today is Good Friday. I have been reading my friend’s thoughts about this day on Facebook. So much of what I have been reading is encouraging. But what’s so good about today? Didn’t seem to be too good of a day for Jesus. I am reminded of a comment a friend of mine made when the movie “The Passion of the Christ” came out several years back.  We had been talking about the intensity of the beating Jesus took and how in the movie they would have to break away to a memory of Jesus  to give the audience a break from the horrific beating Jesus was taking.  I had said “the movie only captured a small portion of what Jesus went through. It was mild compared to the hours of relentless beating He actually took” My friend’s response “I don’t care how you look at it, but in the movie, Jesus got His ass kicked.” He was not being facetious. He was clearly shook.

I have been thinking about that conversation a lot this week. Jesus did get way more than just His ass kicked on Good Friday. He was separated from the Father, ripped from the Trinity, forsaken, deserted spit upon and mocked. For us. For me. For you.

I don’t know fully know what it cost Jesus and will never fully understand the sacrifice He made. My Pastor always says when we get to heaven, we will clearly see Jesus gave up something, the price will be more felt and understood by us. Jesus did it so I can live life fully, freely and forgiven. He did it through the Cross.

He hung on the Cross for each time I hurt another person. Each time I gossiped. He was beat for the times I hated my mom and refused to forgive her. He died for the times I have sinned sexually. He was mocked for the lies I told, for the times I chose what I wanted at the expense of others. He was separated from the Father for times I spent money I didn’t have to fill emptiness that could never be filled. He died so the addictions in my life could be broken. And He died for the wrongs done TO me.  And the list goes on and on.

Jesus took it all and rose from the grave three days later as proof the sacrifice was accepted by God. The power that raised Him to life, now lives in me.

So I don’t beat myself up. That is not the point of the Gospel or what Jesus wants. Jesus died so I could be restored to relationship with Him and with others. He wants me to be grateful and to take full advantage of the love God lavished on us. To try to earn it or feel guilty about it is not honoring to Jesus or what He did on the Cross.

Shame, guilt, and condemnation have no room in my life. To wallow in any of these is to live way below what Jesus accomplished on the Cross.

Good Friday. Good for me. My whole life rests on this day. My foundation, my starting point. The price paid on this day makes everything else possible. This amazingly, wonderful, beautiful life I have starts here — at the Cross of Christ. My forgiveness comes from here and the power to do what He has called me to do.

My response? Gratitude, awe, thanksgiving. And a determination to make my life count.

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Cross of St. Mary’s

 

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Cross on Lake Erie outside of town.

 

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Cross at Camp McPherson

The One in Which I got a Spray Tan

In my last blog, I wrote about how amazing my summer was,  and some of the lessons that I learned. I realized while writing it one would not be enough. So I ended the blog “to be continued.” This blog is the continuation.

Lesson #3: Sin is a lot like a spray tan…it looks good and makes you feel good for a while but the aftermath is not pretty or worth it!

I had the honor of being a part of two dear friends wedding this summer. I have always liked how I look tan (vain I know 😉 ) but had given up using a tanning bed a few years back. A friend suggested we go and get spray tans together a couple of days before the wedding. I was nervous because I had seen that episode of Friends….you know the one…the one where Ross goes into a tanning bed and gets confused and only gets sprayed on one side multiple times. I so could see myself doing the very same thing. The lady took me back and showed me the awkward poses I needed to do. The most confusing one was the “pose like an Egyptian”. There were two ways to do it to make sure all of your skin was sprayed. She pointed out a poster (that was to the side, outside the tube I would be in), reminded me to listen to the cues and left me on my own. It was way too complicated. I missed a couple of cues because I was looking at the poster to the side but made it out alive. As the evening went on, I began to get darker and darker and darker. In the morning I decided I liked it though it was a pretty drastic change. The day of the wedding came and I was feeling pretty good about it. I had a cute new dress. I was excited for my friends. It was a beautiful, warm August day.

The part I didn’t mention was that I was co-officiating the wedding with my boss. The place for the ceremony was beautiful. It was in a chapel on the shores of Lake Erie. It was also not air-conditioned.

When I get nervous, I sweat. A lot.

Not some dainty, lady-like perspiration but the someone-turned-on-a-faucet-inside-of-me-full-blast kind of sweat.

And I had to stand up there with the bride and groom the whole time. And the ceremony was so touching and the groom was crying and when I see men crying, I lose it. So there I stand…sweating and crying. I’m sure you know where this is headed. As the ceremony was coming to conclusion and they were announced Mr. and Mrs. I looked down and saw brown water trickling down my leg. I was mortified. And it made me more nervous which made me sweat more which made more brown water trickle down my leg. I had forgotten about the spray tan. So at this point I am in full-blown panic mode.  Now I know that probably no one noticed but I did. And it was disgusting. And it was all over my clothes. And it was coming off kleenex like foundation. The next morning I woke up and the spray tan was all over my sheets and comforter. It was a mess.

As I looked at the carnage in my bedroom, I realized sin is very similar to spray tan. It makes you look and feel good for a while but the aftermath and price you have to pay is way too high. With the spray tan there was a lot of cleaning up to do. I looked good with the tan for a while but I got to the point during the wedding with the one thought “I hope no one notices, I hope I don’t embarrass the bride and groom, I hope I’m really not peeing my pants…” A lot of us stuck in sin think the same thing “I hope no one notices, I hope I don’t get found out, I hope I don’t embarrass my family.”

The great thing about Jesus is He sent the Holy Spirit to convict us, to let us know when we are doing things that will harm ourselves or others and our relationship with Him. And even if we ignore it and end up with a colossal mess on our hands and consequences to be walked through, He is always there to forgive and get us up and on the right path again.

I will never get a spray tan again. At least I got a good story out of it.

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